Simply Glorious

Captain Klavzon was in command.

His first command. A Klingon D6 Mauler cruiser, no less. Plucked from the decks of a penal frigate on the Tholian border and rushed across the galaxy in the Admiral's very own VIP transport, he was ushered on board to his new ship and given his first assigment before his bags were fully unpacked.

"Finally . . . the Big Time!" he thought. The satisfaction welling inside him was a feeling he could get used to.

Oh, the indignities he had suffered growing up "Little Kling-ums" (as his grandmother used to affectionately call him). Having his lunch money stolen. Being pushed into the mud. Having his attire ridiculed.

Those days were over. Now, he was a force not to be reckoned with lightly.


on board the Klingon D6 Mauler "Kingsford" bridge . . .

First Officer: "Captain? Are we not moving up in formation ahead of schedule? Our battle briefing instructions were to wait for the smoke to clear and then make our assault run."

Captain Klavzon: "I'm well aware of the battle plan. I was at the briefing."

First Officer: "Yes sir. Standing by for your orders. Federation Base Station at 200,000km. Phasers and battery banks fully charged. Increasing speed . . . we're being hailed by our escort leader. He wants to know where we're going in such a hurry."

Captain Klavzon: "Please respond 'envy does not become you'. If they want some glory, it's sitting right in front of them. This crew, under my leadership, is going to sail this ship right into the annals of history today!"

First Officer: "Um?"

Captain Klavzon: "Charge! Death to the Federation dogs!"

First Officer: "Oh bloody hell."


inside Laundry Room #9, one of the coveted few on the Federation Base Station with a window . . .

GrandMa: "Come on, honey. We've to get our clothes done so we can meet Mommy for dinner after her shift is over. It's almost time."

GrandKid: "Somebody left their clothes in the dryer."

GrandMa: "It's okay, dear. They'll be safe. We're not a bunch of maniac Klingons, ya know."

GrandKid: "Ha ha. I love you, Grandma . . . GrandMa, look! A shooting star! Right outside the window!"

GrandMa: "I see it! Well, I'll be. Who woulda thunk we'd ever see such a thing up close like that?"

GrandKid: "It sure is pretty. Look at all those colors! And it's still burning."

GrandMa: "Quick, honey. Make a wish. It's good luck."

GrandKid: "I wish, that when I grow up - I wanna be a captain of a starship."


at Klingon Fleet HQ . . .

Admiral: "Well, don't keep me in suspense. How'd it go?"

Staff Officer: "Both the Kingsford and her crew were total losses. No other casualties reported."

Admiral: "Excellent."

Staff Officer: "Sir, if I may be so bold - aren't there easier ways to get rid of a derelict ship, and incompetent crew, and perhaps the worst officer this fleet has ever known?"

Admiral: "Well let's see. We accomplished the three things you just mentioned. And we gave the rest of our ships and their crews some valuable combat time (albeit in a limited manner). We put a scare into the Federation, and probably enhanced our reputation among them as a bunch of maniacs. All in all not a bad day."

Staff Officer: "Still, sir . . . really? Couldn't have Klavzon just been relieved of duty, and the Kingsford put out to pasture and used for the kids to play on during Family BBQ Day?"

Admiral: "Perhaps. But we used to steal Klavzon's lunch money at school and then push him in the mud. Old habits die hard, I suppose."

Staff Officer: "I still find the entire exercise a bit daft."

Admiral: "Not convinced, eh? Maybe a trip aboard my private VIP transport to the other side of the galaxy for a special assignment crucial to the success of the Empire would help you understand?"

Staff Officer: "Er . . . maybe I should finish submitting the battle after-action report instead. The Council is probably interested in hearing the fabulous tale of how Captain Klavzon and the Kingsford sacrificed themselves dealing a death-blow to the Federation. Simply glorious."

That brougth a smile to my face.

That was awesome, thank you ;)

My other car is a D7 Battlecruiser


dedicated to the poor devils serving on Maulers everywhere

and to you guys . . . i listened when you all screamed "don't take the Mauler!"